I recently discovered Guilty Mum‘s brand new blog, which is based on the notion that most mums feel guilty about most things, most of the time. According to one of Guilty Mum’s posts from last month, the top ten reasons for feeling guilty include working/not working, going out/not going out, breastfeeding/not breastfeeding, sending your child to nursery/not sending… You get the picture, we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t. But let’s face it, being a parent is tough and although we often complain about being judged by others, we are are own harshest judges. Remember before you had kids? Didn’t you judge that Mum in the supermarket, giving her toddler a chocolate bar just to shut him up? Or that Mum who let her daughter watch TV for over an hour while she chatted on the phone to you? Well, that’s you now, that is. Or maybe not, but my point is that whatever you may have thought you would do as a parent, now that you are one, it’s unlikely you completely measure up to your own high standards of parenthood. So, don’t we all feel a bit guilty then, for just not being perfect?
Well in 1953, paediatrician and psychoanalyst David Winnicot developed a theory called the ‘Good enough Mother.’ I could explain it here, or quote Winnicot himself, but instead I had a look around and found this article by Sheila Quirke (‘Mary Tyler Mom’), which covers it all much more eloquently than I ever could. To sum up, in Sheila’s words:
“Embrace the concept of “Good Enough.” Breathe it in, breathe it out. Let it wrap around you and soothe your tired, worried, guilty soul. You will fail your child. You will. It will happen. Some of us do it daily. Some more spectacularly than others. What Winnicott tells us though, assures us from his mid-century psychoanalytic throne, is that it is okay. Everything is going to be okay.”
So, in keeping with this theme, I have a challenge for you! List the top five reasons you’re less than perfect. Then – and here’s the hard part – list five reasons why you’re good enough. You can relate the first to the second but you don’t have to, it’s completely up to you. I’ll go first:
I’m not perfect because…
- I let Mushroom watch too much TV (more on this in a future post!)
- I let Mushroom eat chocolate and sweets occasionally
- Mr B and I are not always consistent with discipline
- I shower myself before getting Mushroom dressed. Every day. An Aunt commented on this and that’s when the guilt started
- If Mushroom cries in the night I bring him into our bed rather than settle him back to sleep, thus teaching him independence. I also cuddle him to sleep almost every night :-/
I’m good enough because…
- He doesn’t watch adverts (if I can help it) and I (usually) watch TV with him. Mr B says we don’t watch much TV at all (I’m not sure what his benchmark is though). We have learned a lot of Makaton sign language from watching CBeebies ‘Something Special’ together
- He eats much more fruit and veg and is really the least fussy toddler I know when it comes to food. He’ll try anything, even raw lemon (he told me that was ‘hot’! I think he wasn’t keen but he ate it anyway)
- Mushroom knows the rules, and when he’s ‘getting away’ with something. Perhaps that’s consistent enough
- He (usually) plays happily while I shower, which only takes 5-10 minutes (try telling that to pre-baby me!) and it means I can completely focus on him once I’m dressed. It also helps us get out of the house on time
- That’s somewhere between teaching independence and attachment parenting right? So either way I’m halfway ‘right’ (whatever that means). And it’s not every night…
Your turn! Either submit a comment via the box below, or write your own blog and either put the link in a comment, tweet or DM me so I can come over and comment on your blog! If you tweet, please tweet @Mushroomsmum (that’s me!) and @GuiltyMumUK too.
What a great post, I absolutely love it! I agree with everything you say and I love the idea of reminding yourself of what you do well to balance out the negatives, what a great idea! I’m a big believer in compliments and I wrote a post about it, but believing compliments others give and actually complimenting/congratulating myself is not something I’m too familiar with. I’m definitely going to work on it though! Thanks for sharing this, I’m looking forward to reading through your archives!
Rachel x
Ps… Here’s my Complimentary Thinking post
http://mummykindness.com/2013/01/25/complimentary-thinking/
Thanks for reading and commenting Rachel! I have read and commented on your post, and another while I was there! I’m sure you will get there with the congratulating yourself – or at least believing others’ compliments – in time. Aside from the Mummy stuff (we’re all ‘good enough’ I think, it’s just reminding ourselves why!), you’re a great writer and an inspiration to others to not shy away from talking about issues like PND and other mental health problems. x
I am not perfect because;
1. I am not consistent with discipline.
2. I have not got rid of no.1’s dummy, he is almost two & a half!
3. Some days we do not leave the house & watch a lot of telly.
4. I get really frustrated with the two of them sometimes, I shout or stomp about like a child.
5. I do not make no.1 eat all his food or worse ask him what he would like to eat.
I’m good enough because;
1. I love my children.
2. I encourage them daily.
3. I go with the flow, why make life harder than it has to be?
4. No.1 is not a fussy eater – well not at nursery – & he likes fruit.
5. No.1 only has his dummy for sleeping generally.
Thanks for reading and commenting Penny. I love your lists, and can relate (I too have stomped about like a child and I only have one toddler! I tell him ‘Mummy needs a time out’). As for your second list. Number one is so important I can’t believe I left it out. In fact, I think it is the most important and why any Mum who loves her children can call herself ‘good enough.’ Congratulations on being a wonderful Mum!
Fabulous post!!
I just wrote a post on choosing to be average and your post above confirms the need to not strive for perfection.
Please read – http://www.amummymuses.wordpress.com
Thanks! I have read and commented on your post and am now following your blog.
Will have to do this – always feeling guilty. Currently feeling guilty that big mans half term has been rubbish as baby man ill!
Aw not your fault! No doubt you’re more than good enough. All the worrying we do means we care, right? And that’s all that matters in the end. x
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I love this post! Mostly, because it reminds me of me, on most points. I constantly feel guilty about something (exactly what usually changes day to day!) It seems that everyone I talk to is (probably pretending) to be perfect at everything, which makes me feel even worse. Going to work on my own ‘good enough’ now 🙂
Oh yes, we’re all pretending… I’m not even a proper grown-up, let alone a great mother! I’ll let Mushroom be the judge of that, in time. I look forward to reading your ‘good enough’! x
Hi, Lovely post. I can identify with your two sets of five, except I spend rather longer in the bath. Worse, if I miss my morning bath, I sneak back and have one later. It kind of works because J sits down and watches CBeebies (which brings us back to 1). Think I will have to settle for being the “barely good enough mother.”
Oh how I wish I could sneak back! Although Mushroom watches TV, it doesn’t hold his attention for long so he’d soon be shouting ‘Mummy, wee wee!’ and barging into the bathroom to see what I’m doing! I’m sure you’re more than good enough!
Ooh, this is just perfect (see what I did there, playing on the word perfect?!) I’m so glad you told me about this post. I’m going to swathe myself in the Good Enough blanket and feel less guilty. I daren’t commit to no guilt-that’s just not going to happen.
Glad you liked it. Yes, guilt is hard to let go of – think that’s pretty much a lifelong learning!
Oh yes, taken me years to even begin to work that one out!
This sounds like a great idea, almost like self therapy!! #archiveday
I think the internet has made the guilt a lot worse! Things didn’t worry me so much when I was a young (working and non-breastfeeding) Mum in the early 90s 🙂
Excellent post. As parents, we shouldn’t get caught in the trap that we should strive to be perfect – in fact, I think one of the first thing all mums and dads need to accept is that there is no such thing as perfect parenting, but to ensure we do enough to provide security, love and a supportive environment for our kids.
I’m also guilty of the “too much TV” thing, although there are times – particularly at weekends – when the kids are so knackered that they need a bit of down-time rather than being dragged out to do a million things. As for people commenting/disapproving on the way we do things, frankly I couldn’t care less. As long as no harm is being caused, the routines we establish are our own business. If people want to comment or disapprove, fine, but who are they to assume how we do things is wrong (as opposed to different) and that they know a way that is automatically better?
What a great post. I have been feeling much less than average lately so it has been a great reminder that I am trying to raise happy healthy kids. So far, so good. Am off to write my own post 🙂 thanks xx