One of this week’s blogging prompt over at BritMums was to write about one of the seven deadly sins. For those of you who need a reminder, they are: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy and gluttony.
I’ve just started reading 50 Shades of Grey and was toying with the idea of writing about lust but a) I hope Mushroom reads this blog one day so perhaps that isn’t appropriate and b) something happened today that made me think about pride. So, pride it is…
This afternoon Mushroom and I were playing in the local park. He has just learned how to kick a ball and we were playing football. Sort of. After about 15 minutes he got a bit fed up and ran over to the bandstand where another boy was running around in circles. The boy was a lot bigger than Mushroom but, as it turned out, he was only 2. Mushroom just wanted to follow him around and do everything he did so I let him, for the most part, and had a chat with the child’s Mum. She was complaining that the local nurseries ‘are no good.’ I told her that Mushroom goes to a good local nursery and she frowned when I told her which one. ‘Really? But they don’t do anything with the children!’ I said that her comment surprised me, as Mushroom is always coming home with artwork, or sometimes something he has ‘helped’ to bake, and that they do a lot of structured play during the day. She was less than impressed. ‘They don’t teach them to stand in a line, or sleep in a row, or anything! They just play all day!’ This was when I realised that this Mother and I are worlds apart. Firstly, they do learn to stand in line and take turns – it’s probably not listed as something they ‘teach,’ as it’s just part of the socialisation process. They also do learn to sleep in a row. As for the fact they ‘play’ all day? Well, they’re just children! She didn’t seem to believe anything I told her about the nursery so I decided just to drop it. I wasn’t enjoying her company much by now but Mushroom was still following her son around so I just let her talk some more and stayed quiet.
After a while, her son jumped down from the bandstand and ran through a muddy puddle – as kids do – at which she ran over to him, grabbed his arm and shouted in his face ‘If you do that again I will slap you in your face!’ She half turned to me with smile on her face. Perhaps I was misreading her but it looked to me like pride. I wasn’t about to ask. Her son didn’t seem bothered by the threat but he did immediately move from the puddle.
I don’t know whether judgement is considered a sin but it is something I usually try to avoid, however, in this instance, I judged her. I judged her parenting style and didn’t like it and I felt proud of the way I am parenting Mushroom. I have never hit him, or threatened to hit him, and I don’t intend to. I would hope that if I ever did, it would be to protect him from impending danger and that I would apologise and explain afterwards. I certainly wouldn’t even think about hitting him in his face.
What do you think? Am I wrong to judge? Obviously there is a lot about this woman I don’t know – perhaps she was doing what has been done to her in the past and doesn’t know any different. Maybe her pride was in her son’s good behaviour rather than her threat of discipline… I know all this and yet, I judged her and if I’m honest I still do. Would you/have you hit your child? Do you ever compare yourself to others and feel pride in your parenting? I’d love to hear your views so please do comment below!
I think it’s inherent that we judge. We have to assess every situation, and looking at how others function and do things is part of it. So I think it’s in us to judge even if it’s just a little bit.
Usually when I see something crazy go down, I give the parent the benefit of the doubt. I’ll assume she’s 99% of the time a loving mom or that she knows what she’s doing.
It seems though that the mom had no shame in what she did, and I suppose that’s her way of parenting. I think you and I are on the same page in that I wouldn’t hit my child, and I’m a huge fan of learning through play. I imagine if she saw how I raised my son, she might go to her blog and say, “I can’t believe this mom lets her kid play all day long, and doesn’t give him a smack or two when he misbehaves!”
Just as much as we believe that what she did isn’t productive, she may feel the same as us. And I *think* studies do tend to favor non-spanking and learning through play, but even those aren’t as public as, say, “smoking is bad for you.” So at this point, people just do what they feel is best, even if other moms wouldn’t exactly handle it that way.
I’ve seen some pretty bad parenting, and based on my own beliefs and methods, I do feel bad for the kids and hope that they turn out okay. I’m sure they will. So long as parents are even involved in their kids’ lives, I think it doesn’t really matter what parenting philosophy you choose; your kids are likely to turn out just fine.
A very considered response, thank you! I do try not to judge usually but I guess there was just something about her… As you say though, for the most part the kids do turn out fine regardless of parenting styles.
[…] Mothering Mushroom asks whether you would judge another mom who has different parenting philosophies than yours. […]
Hi Rachel – great post…it is hard not to judge and important to appreciate people have different approaches to parenting. However, I strongly disagree with hitting children – if it’s not acceptable to threaten to slap an adult whose behaviour we don’t like then what makes it acceptable to threaten a child. I often see parents treating their children in ways they would never dream of treating an adult – swearing, pushing, pulling, yelling…children learn what they live and if we don’t treat children with kindness and respect how can we expect them to grow into respectful & kind adults? Hitting as a form of discipline only teaches fear and violence. I guess the question for me is whether in a scenario like that it is possible to intervene in some small way..for example to engage the mother in a conversation about alternative ways to ‘discipline’ her child…although in this case I guess it’s more about starting with a conversation about play is children’s work…difficult at the best of times let alone with a stranger. By the way do you know the RSPCA was formed before the NSPCC…says alot about attitudes to animals & children!
I didn’t know that about the NSPCC! Shocking. Yeah I did think about starting that conversation but like you say, it’s hard with a stranger. Thanks for commenting! x